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[20 Jan 2007|01:11pm] |
Tonight we’ll be rolling
And singing like drunks
Smoking tobacco
Dreaming dreams of the young.
The young with so much
Yet not a soul would desire
The scars that put us here
The years that caught fire.
-Andrew McMahon
Ahh. I don't know what I'm doing with my life.
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[13 Nov 2006|01:28am] |
If I'm truely as happy as I think I am, then why do I find myself talking to at least a few people from "home" everyday?
If I'm truely as defined as I feel I am, then why do I not know what I want to do with my life?
If I'm truely as close with people as I think I am, then why do I have doubts about certain people?
If I'm truely as 'carefree' as I act I am, then why do I second guess my actions sometimes?
If I'm truely as missed as I'm told I am, then why am I always making the effort?
I love the Ohio State University. I couldn't imagine going anywhere else, yet I find myself thinking about transferring a few times a week.
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[06 Oct 2006|01:30am] |
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I didn't come to college with the intentions of getting a boyfriend which works out well because he has a girlfriend.
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| i'm a mess i guess... |
[26 Aug 2006|11:01pm] |
why is this bothering me so much?
i'm not even going to be back in florida til christmas.
it won't matter then.
i hate how i go into certain situations with the intentions of just hooking up.
but then i realize it's something more than that.
and then i get scared and run away.
i hatehatehate it.
i also hate how i stop myself from doing certain things that i want to.
not because of myself, but because of other people.
i don't know.
i'm not even allowed to tell people about it.
this is as far as i can go.
only a couple people know and if you do, i obviously trust you with my life.
don't screw it up for me, please.
idk.
i'm so bad at boys.
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| wow |
[07 Aug 2006|01:33am] |
Okay, so it's been like a little over a month since I las updated. And honestly, not a lot has changed, but at the same time, nothing is the same. I feel like everyone around me is altering little things that aren't noticeable until one thing just makes everything different. I'm not sure what it is about this summer, but it has definitely been the best, but worst (well kinda) in many ways.
I can't even explain the way I've felt some days.
I'd wake up at a semi-decent time (before noon) and be up for almost twenty minutes and then decide just to go back to sleep. I barely went out during the day this summer. I wish I would have gone to the beach more. I'm going to miss it next year. Not the beach, but the feeling you get. Just laying in the sand (on a towel of course) and feeling the sun taking your energy out of you and just having no worries. When you're at the beach, it's just, an incredible feeling. Day or night. Night because of the stars and just the sound of the ocean hitting the rocks. I don't know. Whenever I get sad, I just go down to the beach and sit there. I don't know where I'll go next year... The Oval? I don't know about that. It'll feel so crowded and closed in compared to looking out at the ocean and knowing that it just keeps going on....
So, everytime I talk to my dad, I cry. The only time he'll ever call me is to yell or complain to me about something. He expects way too much out of me. I wish I could help do all the things he wants me to do, but oh, hey, sorry, I'm only 17. It sucks that I can only use that excuse for another week. "I'm not 18 yet, what do you want me to do?" A lot of people don't like or respect my dad, and on most days, I don't. But, like, he's a good guy at heart. Like, last time I was in Ohio he was just YELLING and YELLING at me because I forgot the mail. I'm sorry, I had 2 hours of sleep and a 6 am flight. The mail wasn't my priority. And I ran up to my room crying and he came up there and apologized and stuff and made me come to dinner with the "family". It's weird. As much as I try not liking her, she's nice. I feel like sometimes she's fake to me, but I think that's just because I hope that's what she's doing so I have a reason to feel the way I do.
I'm not a perfect child. But there's so many things I feel like I do for my dad that he doesn't appreciate. If he knew half the things I did, well, that'd be bad. He's so oblivious. I almost wish he would find out and just teach me a lesson. I'm a little out of control. Freshman/sophomore year I would have never thought of drinking more than like ONCE in a while, or even trying anything MORE than that. I miss my older friends. Heidi, Laura, Jessica, Michelle, Ana, Kim, the whole bunch... they kept me in line. We always had fun without any of the above.
Packing up my house these past few days, I feel like.. we're trying to escape the fact that my mom is gone. Nobody really talks about her anymore. So when it does come up, I get so emotional. Like right now, I'm just sitting here crying. There's something wrong with this. But I hate bringing it up because I don't want people to think I'm like a pity case. I'm too stubborn to mention it. I don't know. I just can't help wondering how my life would be if she were still here. I wouldn't have been choosing OSU to go to school, which I feel like is one of the best decisions of my life. But at at the same time, I feel like I'm leaving her behind. She loved it here. I feel like leaving here leaves the fact that this is where we came to settle down and now my dad's just getting rid of it. Everything that reminds me of her is here. It's going to be hard coming back here not to the house where I fought SO much with her over nothing. Because I was dumb. And I'm scared to let people too close to my in fear of losing them.
Because that's always what seems to happen.
I have a lot of issues that are hard for me to get out there. Mostly, friends. I'm not the best friend in the world. I'll lie to you occasionally about stupid stuff. I won't answer phone calls. I'll make multiple plans then pick the most appealing. I'll hang out with you for awhile and get annoyed at little things and then take a long break and realize what an idiot I am. Amber-Marie was like the best thing ever to happen to me and I don't know what's happening but something's just not right. It's not there anymore, or at least right now. I'm going through a really weird stage.
Maybe it's the transition period. I don't know. I just hope things go back to normal so we can grow old and go to Curves together like we planned to. And be in each other's weddings. And all that good stuff.
For a little while a few weeks ago I thought I was just keeping her around for the fact that I still had a "best friend" but the label and the "qualifications" that go along with it are really quite dumb.
I love all my friends the SAME. It's just, it's easier to show with some people. I've been hanging out with a lot of people this summer that I never have before. And I miss my old friends. But at the same time, I feel like maybe they don't miss me. I don't know. I hate feeling so useless. People tell me their problems and I'm almost scared to help sometimes because I don't want to mess them up or make them feel worse about the situation, because I'm mostly pessimistic. I hate feeling so useless. I won't just say what people want to hear. But sometimes, I feel like I'm forced to, and I hate it.
I started talking to a boy a few weeks ago, maybe a month, IDK. But like I instantly liked him. What's new, right? Like genuinely liked. I haven't liked anyone more than "I just wanna make out with you" in so long. And it was weird because of the circumstances. But like, then... I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT HAPPENED. It just like ended. I don't know. Whatever. I'm done with boys until the right one comes along and hopefully I'll know. Not the right one as in settling down and getting married but just someone I can get along with all the time and understands me and where I'm coming from and thinks I'm funny and cute and nice and just, awesome.
I've gained so much weight in the past few years. Trust me, I know. And as much as I want to change it, I can't. I'm so unmotivated. I see food and I'm like "Yum!" and then I realize, oh shit, HEALTHY. It's really starting to get to me. I want to like work out all the time, but I nap instead. I just, I know it doesn't matter. But for me, for some reason, it always has, I just never do anything about it.
So many people are insecure for reasons that they don't need to be. And I'm sure some people think that about me. But like, it's just something that's been around me my entire life.
So yeah, that's pretty much like a fraction of my thoughts right now. And I feel like I'm being really deep but it probably just all sounds really corny, but whatever. And if anyone actually read this, uh, cool.
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[25 Jun 2006|12:41pm] |
I'm not sure.
But something's not right.
I cried my eyes out last night.
For no apparent reason.
Then laughed really hard.
Don't drink.
It sucks.
Okay.
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| woooooah |
[17 Jun 2006|10:15am] |
since I last updated....
I graduated High School
Made new friends
Lost a good one
Reached my summer goal
Finally stopped liking him
Had a huge party
Cried the most in a long time
Bought my new Coach purse <333
Got a nice tan
Went to Miami twice
Saw Jack's Mannequin
OD'ed on Nyquill haha
Watched an Aaron Carter movie
Had the most embarrassing night of my life
Drank. A lot. More than a lot. Too much.
And a bunch of other random shit.
<3
I'm kinda sick.
But I want to go to the beach.
But it's gonna rain.
Poop.
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| wow |
[17 May 2006|09:39am] |
It's my 2nd to last day of classes.
And I'm sitting at home, skipping.
I'm so lame.
And unmotivated.
I don't even know if I'm graduating.
Boo.
Piss.
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[01 May 2006|06:55pm] |
| [ |
music |
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Allister - Overrated |
] |
Hmm, it's been almost 2 weeks. I'm not sure much is different? Graduation is getting closer and I'm really excited. This summer's going to be amazing. I'm going to make sure of it!
I start at abercrombie kids this weekend and I'm really excited. Oh, and right now I have pink eye.
Yeah, more later.
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[18 Apr 2006|10:51pm] |
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So today my dad told me he's moving out. Fucking cool.
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[16 Apr 2006|12:36pm] |
<3
I want to move to England.
Okay, thanks!
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| I just wanna bring you down so badly |
[14 Apr 2006|04:18pm] |
Yeah, so I'm at work. And I really don't know what's going on in my life right now. Like, I've been kinda bitchy lately. And then really nice. I don't like it. I don't know what's causing my bitterness against the people that I love the mostest. I'm sorry for that and I'm trying to work on it.
What I realized I'm not trying to work on though, is what I should be. I haven't really been drinking too much lately (always a plus) but I've been smoking like crazy. And that means EVERYTHING. Yessssss, bad. Bad. Bad. But I don't care. And I don't do it around people that don't like it, so I'm really only harming myself.
...And I've come to the conclusion that I'm not going to A) make out with any more boys until I go to OSU and B) have no emotional attachments to anyone until I go to OSU. Too much trouble. And drama. And. Stuff. Although if I get this boy to be my prom date.... <3
(I just realized I parked under a tree that's gonna leave stuff all over my car and Sarah, Taylor, and I totally spent all day cleaning it today, haha)
Anyway. More randomness. Snuggles leaves Sunday :( I'm sad. I love 32 year old men that let Jacki and I annoy the heck out of them :) I'm not really serious though people!!!
I realized there's a lot of people I'm going to miss next year. Especially all my younger friends. And I realize I really miss all of my friends that are already gone. And I will miss the people that are staying together :(
My dad's making me have a Graduation Party. But funny, I asked him today when he's coming back and he said "Maybe never" as a joke, but I know he doesn't want to. He only comes back for a day anyway, so what's the point?
Oh and my bunny died. I'm really sad about it. I don't understand what happened. She had food and water and everything looked fine.... I'm torn about it, and I know it's just a bunny, but still....
AMBER-MARIE AND I ARE HAVING A CORN PARTY.
YOU HAVE TO BRING A CORN PRODUCT OF ANY TYPE.
<3333333 IT'S GONNA BE LOADS OF FUN!! <33333333
That's about it I guess? Oh yeah..and I def. asked for as much time as possible the 10th-18th off from work, and guess what days I work(ed) - 10th, 12th, 13th, 14th, 15th, 16th, 18th.... THANKS!
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[10 Apr 2006|09:28pm] |
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Yeah.
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[05 Apr 2006|08:27pm] |
BOYS
That's it.
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| Imagine if you will... |
[21 Mar 2006|01:53pm] |
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Your friend's purse getting stolen at someone's house, not even knowing half the people there and then driving home and checking your wallet and your credit card and $45 gone. Yeah. Not good. You try to cancel the card but your dad has to do it. You tell him. He wants to call the cops. You ask for more time. You call people that were there, blahblahblah. They found your friend's purse in the shower, but missing $30. There's still some hope. You remember you got gas yesterday when you were in a rush. Oops. Didn't put it back in the wallet. Yeah, so. I do have my credit card, BUT I still got $45 stolen from me and $30 from Julia. So the money stolen from ME personally at parties in the last month is up to $135 and I am never going anywhere again with more than $5 with me. This is Naples. You're all rich. Don't steal my money to buy drugs. Get a fucking job. I work pretty much everyday. I'm so glad we went to the casino last week and I took my $100 bill out so I wouldn't lose it there. Now I'm going to South Beach, Miami tomorrow with pretty much no money and a cancelled credit card.
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| get to the point; get it across. |
[06 Mar 2006|12:33am] |
1. I think I went to school everyday last week.
2. I am not going up to Ohio until April now.
3. I'm definitely going to Ohio State.
4. Saturday nights = party at my house.
5. I love everyone I work with.
6. Abercrombie outlet is like heaven to me.
7. I could spend 8 hours in Forever XXI and be happy.
8. I seem to find myself always going to see the same bands play in concert. I went and saw The Starting Line today for the third time, but it was just as amazing.
9. McDonalds doesn't recognize "special sauce" as Big Mac sauce.
10. Ryan from Taravella is a pimp.
11. Boys that make an effort to talk to girls they told they didn't want to talk to and to go to hell and fucking die win my heart.
12. My whole body has been weak since Friday.
...too tired to go on, but pretty much- what's more important than that is- Amber-Marie is my best friend and I had a fun birthday trip for her AND AND I'm going to the beach tomorrow and getting a tan and meeting some spring breakers?!
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| sgiondfognojdfn |
[03 Mar 2006|09:13pm] |
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i'm pretty sure one of the worst feelings in the world is having a fever and crying and feeling the hot tears coming down your cheek and you're freezing at the same time and yeah yeah. ahhh.
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| from dani who stole it from someones myspace |
[01 Mar 2006|03:34pm] |
"you know....i just wanna give up. right this second i just wanna say, FUCK YOU ALL. i dont wanna fuck you, i dont wanna kiss you, i dont want to hold your fucking hand. all of you are all the fucking same. you are all rapists and you are all flakes. girls are prettier anyway. just fuck it. i dont ever want to kiss anyone again. i want to feel. i want to feel what i want. i want to feel passion. i want it to be real. i dont want anything. leave me alone, unless you're different. if you're different, please come to me. show me something....fucking hope. just give me some hope to fucking believe in. thanks.
(i have to stop giving my heart away. i die a little bit each time i do it. i lose and i never get back. )"
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| last night |
[26 Feb 2006|04:29pm] |
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.....interesting.
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